Christian enough?

If you've never read a post from Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary, please go to her blog right now (well, after you read this post) and check it out. Her posts make me feel slightly better about myself and my future as a missionary. She reminds me that missionaries (and presumably, most Christians) are human. They screw up. They're dorks. They struggle with laziness and complacency. And they're trying just like I am to follow God's call on their life. 


Have you ever gotten insecure about your Christianly-ness? I do. A lot. I'm not talking about worrying about whether you're a Christian or not--I'm pretty sure the answer to that question in my life on most days--I'm talking about being unsure whether you're Christian enough. 


I love watching videos and reading blog posts from people who are doing amazing things for Jesus. These people are leaving the cultures they find comfy and are moving to inner city neighborhoods, jungles, deserts, and mega-cities and immersing themselves in a totally new way of life because they felt Jesus tell them to do it. When I read these blogs and watch these videos, I am simultaneously encouraged and disheartened. I am excited to see that people are actually out there doing the things I dream about doing, but then I am discouraged that I seem to be stuck running into one obstacle after another that's keeping me from joining the movement, so to say.  


The people I see on the blogs and videos seem to be cool without trying. They look like super-Christians to me. They appear to be creative, interesting, bold, loving people with hearts of servants. They don't seem to let anything shake them. Their faith amazes me, that they could leave college and jobs and family  to bring the gospel to people who need it. These people, without knowing it, make me feel  unworthy of the call that I feel has been placed on my life. 


I am not cool. 
I am minimally creative.
I am often too meek when it comes to speaking Truth.
I am selfish.
A mountain of student loan debt prevents me from dropping everything and moving to a hut in Obscure-istan.
I am obligated to do at least 3 more years after this year of medical training.
I am much more inclined to make myself comfortable than help someone in need.




But then I remember a few things from the Bible, which I have been known to read every now and then:


 We are all unworthy of the call on our lives. In 1 Corinthians 5:9, Paul calls himself "the least of the apostles, unworthy to be called an apostle". And my goodness, if Paul's unworthy, I certainly am.


God knows we're unworthy and offers us a place in his family anyway. Remember the prodigal son? Luke 15 says, "²¹And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' ²²But the father said to his servants, 'Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet.²³And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. ²⁴For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.' And they began to celebrate."


We are enhorted many times in the Bible to "walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called," regardless of our insecurities. (Ephesians 4:1)


There are no super Christians. Apart from Christ we are all completely incapable of doing anything. These folks aren't winning people to Christ because of their creativity or even their servanthood; rather, they let themselves be used by the Holy Spirit to reach people. Peter, Andrew, the 2 Jameses, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, Thaddeus, and Simon were regular guys. I'm sure fishermen and tax collectors weren't the most interesting or creative people in Israel. Peter denied Jesus. Thomas doubted. James and John were selfish and wanted to sit at Jesus' right hand. And yet the whole church today exists because of these 11 average Joes. 


Sometimes God makes us wait patiently or labor to the point that we start thinking we'll never really be used by Him, and then he shows us that our labor has been toward his purposes all along. Noah built a boat in the desert.  Abraham and Sarah waited decades to become parents. Jacob worked 14 years to marry Rachel and become the father of the 12 tribes of Israel. Moses wandered in the wilderness for 40 years before leading the Israelites to the promised land. I believe God has called me to be a medical missionary, so I have to remember that all my years of preparation are working toward a purpose. And I also have to remind myself that even though I'm preparing for the future, I'm not totally useless in the present. 


I may not be Christian enough, but Jesus makes up for everything I'm not. 


Do you ever feel like you're not Christian enough?
Do you get insecure about your calling?